Archive for December, 2009

Forsaken Ambition

One of the greatest changes that have occurred this past semester is a sobering of ambitions.  I think most people would view the lessening of ambition as a sad event in a person’s life, one that accompanies a growing older and losing your youth.  I saw the lessening of my ambitions as a weakening of myself and had resolved a long time ago to exhaust myself no matter what the cost in “following my dream,” as they say.  That opinion no longer holds say in my mind, probably because I’ve gained a better understanding of myself and what it would mean for me to be a publicly active personality.  I haven’t adopted a lesser view of myself; I’ve just begun to realize what makes me happy and what course of life is best suited to my disposition.  My ambitions used to be to actively change the Christian Church.  I felt that way because I think I understand a great deal about the religious community, its strengths, weaknesses and its hope for the future.  But honestly, to take public role in the Christian community would mean sacrificing my study of it.  I’m more interested in thinking and writing well than striving for notoriety and notoriety I would need to be of any actual effect on the Christian community as a public person.  I actually contemplated going into politics just so I could gain a platform and a following, however small.  But I’ve come to view politics as contemptible, there is no room for actual statesmanship in the age of mass media and therefore I would only be sacrificing what dignity I possess to gain the applause of the crowd.

What I long for, as I’ve already stated, is the ability to think well, which means I would need the time and time is something a public person must sacrifice in order to have any real impact on the people.  A family would also be nice, but an unfortunate marriage would do an equal amount of damage to thinking and study than living a public life.  They say there are plenty of girls out there, but lacking the ability to literally mold any pretty girl (they must be pretty) that comes my way I will have to hope that I meet a girl who is good and pretty.  Lacking that, I desire almost above all good people with whom I can sit and talk.  Thinking alone can produce deep thoughts into previous intuitions but through conversation I have been lead in directions I would’ve never considered on my own.  On top of that practical reason, I actually enjoy conversation to almost any other form of entertainment.  Such is my disposition, it’s who I am, and thankfully I’ve had the time these past months to consider myself and work out what I actually want my future to hold.

In the meantime my immediate ambition is to get the hell out of Harrisonburg until my family has finally lost everything, especially the worry of losing everything.  I can no longer worry about my father’s financial affairs. I can only manage my own, which are thankfully quite manageable.


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Reflection #1

I’ve come to dread riding in the car with dad or talking to him one on one.  Not because I don’t like my dad; he doesn’t give me crap for anything and is a great person.  Lately though, all I ever hear about is the family’s financial problems.

I’ve had an upbeat and happy couple of days.  Christmas was nice and I’ve spent alot of time with friends and Halie.  This morning dad and I got into the car to go pick Kara up and after a few minutes he spoke briefly about financial difficulties.  It made me feel terrible and I couldn’t say anything.  I just sat there until it was over trying my best to will him to stop but incapable of telling him that I don’t want to hear about it.  I’ve improved my happiness a great deal the past couple of months by basically trying not to think about my families financial difficulties.  I consider my financial life independent from theirs, which helps me to find sanity.  Also, I’ve learned a definite lesson from all of this.  Both emotionally and intellectually I’ve learned what mistakes and ways of thinking lead my dad to messing everything up.

I’ll probably never be rich because I’ll never really try to be rich.  But I will have my affairs in order.  I want to have work that I love and live within my means.  I will spare my family the desire for excess, which inevitably leads to the debtor’s life.

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Oh Crap

My little sister Kara has turned 13 today.  She is officially a teenager.

In other news, I got a tattoo.

I hope you’re enjoying the break!

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The Boyfriend Pillow

Essentially, it’s a pillow shaped like a man’s torso and arm and the girl snugly fits in the middle.  The pillow is supposed to offer physical and emotional support.  Pretty hilarious.

My favorite line: “It keeps holding me all the way through. I think this is great because this does not betray me.”

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Now I don’t know what happened or how this happened, but just today I realized that Michael has grown that little gross mustache that many adolescent males first get because they’re either really excited to have facial hair or they just don’t know how to shave yet.  Anyway, I saw him plenty yesterday and didn’t notice the stache, but there it is, plain as day.  Weird.

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Free Stuff!

Today has been really hectic and it’s not going to slow down so I don’t have time for a proper post.  BUT I do want to tell you that I got free stuff when I came into work today.  Item 1: Tom gave me a sweet PJPII Academy coat.  I’m going to use it to warm up at the next Intramural Basketball game.  I will be so styling.   I also got a tie from hannah, which is pretty sweet.  Nothing like more ties!  and then I just got a bunch of sweets and chocolate.  Christmas has come early to yours truly.  Anyway, we’re about to do a “christmas program” which consists of several hilarious piano songs, or rather, regular christmas music played so awkwardly it becomes hilarious.  That’s about all I got for you today.  I hope your respective breaks are treating you well and that you have a very merry christmas.

– Cole Simmons

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End of the Semester

This is the last full day of the first semester, tomorrow we have a little program where the kids will be playing the piano for the parents and then everyone is going to mass at 11:00.  After that, it’s time to go home I am so ready for that to happen.  But seeing how today is the real day of the semester I thought I would try to reflect back upon it and also explain a series of posts I plan to do over Christmas break.

There have been a handful of wonderful things that I’ve experienced this semester, though nearly every one of them has sprouted from reactions to terrible events or just emotionally difficult times.  It is easy to say that these past six months have been the most difficult and painful months I’ve ever experienced.  Right now I’m reading a book that tells the story of terrible times and the adventures and struggles of people courageously dealing with what’s been handed down to them.  While I wouldn’t call any of my actions ‘courageous,’ I do believe that like the characters of that story I have dealt with most of my trials well and am growing and changing as a result.  I must admit that being alone has probably heightened the pain felt but has most likely forced me to deal with them in a healthier manner.  I haven’t had the luxury of losing myself in social distraction, which has allowed for more reflection and a sort of forced, but thankfully forced, action.  All of my endeavors have been aimed at keeping myself optimistic and in many respects I have succeeded.

So the next series of posts, one tomorrow and the rest scattered through Christmas break, will be reflections and posts about what changes in thinking and living I have made these past months in order to keep myself optimistic.

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